NOTE: Jack mentioned is jshephard. Takes place in the AU tryin_togetby universe and in no way affects the current muses in this comm.

The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.

( WARNING: Adult Content Under The Cut... )

Muse: Kate Austen
Fandom: LOST
Words: 631

NOTE: Set in the landof_reprisal-verse. Lincoln mentioned is id_mademypeace.

The sun rises on a new dawn. Yet few of us realize the debt we owe to those responsible for this. To those who dwell among us. Anonymous, seemingly ordinary, whom destiny brought together to heal, to save us, from ourselves.

We made it through the night.

We survived the threat of the Others, and the threat that came from a computer system we knew nothing about. Pushing that button...I honestly don’t know what to think about it. We did what had to be done to give ourselves time, and we made it through the night.

I don’t know why it’s sticking with me this way...I just know I woke up this morning, and I felt it in my bones. That first breath at the end of sleep, cool and moist, opening my eyes and resisting the urge to rub the sandpapery feel from them for just a minute...I felt really good.

I could still feel him with me.

Somewhere in the middle of the madness, I kissed Lincoln and he kissed me, and...well, a lot of things just came to a head between us. There’s things we should talk about, things I should tell him...things I want to ask.

It bothers me that I remember the kiss less than his closeness. Oh, don’t get me wrong, he’s...well, a great kisser. Still, when I woke up this morning, feeling something close to safe? I thought of the kiss less than I did the moment when I hid my head against his shoulder...just for a second, finding a safe place to be while he helped me get free. I didn’t touch my mouth, remembering how his felt on mine...I hugged myself, remembering the embrace in the kitchen of the Hatch. I remembered how my arms felt around him...how his body felt so close to mine.

There’s something else there...has been since we met that first day. All I know is that he’s the biggest reason we all made it through the night, the reason we all survived. He knew what to say, did what he had to do, and was there when he was needed.

And now that we know...about each other...I just hope I can be for him the kind of person he’s been for all of us.

Muse: Kate Austen
Fandom: LOST
Words: 349

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.

It was so small, so light…so warm in her hands. Still, it had weight…form, it was real. As real as the blood and the mucus that made it slick and filled it with heat, the same stuff that coated her hands and clothes…it was as real as the jungle, as real as the darkness.

It was as real as the danger, as real as the light…and it was the most beautiful thing Kate had ever seen.

With all of this, she also saw, as she glanced between its legs, that this little marvel was also, in fact, a boy.

She’d watched him slip from his mother’s body and caught him in her hands, cleared his airway and listened as this tiny human life took its first breath. She bore witness to the first sound he ever made, a sharp little wail of indignity and shock at the horror of leaving his warm, dark home and emerging into a world that was cold and too bright by comparison, even in the dim light of torches and the tropical humidity of the jungle.

Holding him, delivering him to his mother’s arms…it all made sense in that one brief, shining moment. A life that meant nothing, the horrible things she’d done…

Kate meant to hurt Wayne, to stay free…but she’d never meant to do a lot of things, least of all get caught.

As she watched Claire meet her son for the first time, however…she knew, just for one brief moment, that all the things she’d never meant to do had taken her to the one place she was absolutely meant to be.

In the jungle, in the night…helping to bring forth a life to make up for those she had taken.

Muse: Kate Austen
Fandom: LOST
Words: 289

NOTE: Set in the landof_reprisal-verse. Lincoln Burrows mentioned is id_mademypeace.

All things are difficult before they are easy.

When things get bad, I bolt. It’s what I do...it’s all I’ve known for far too long. I’ve seen a lot of things on the road and on the run, but the one thing I rely on to get me through isn’t love or strength or even any sort of survival instinct...it’s the flotsam and the jetsam, the unfettered things. It’s freedom that keeps me going. Things get rough, I cut and run.

I’m not boasting or trying to earn sympathy, and I’m not proud of the facts as they stand. I’m just trying to make it clear as I can when I say that being on this island is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. And the scary thing is that it’s getting easier every day.

It used to be that I felt exposed all the time, because there was nowhere to hide...penned in because there was nowhere to go. It’s a living prison, this place, and ten times worse than the real thing because I’m taunted at every turn by sun on my face and fresh air in my lungs.

But knowing Lincoln...it’s changed everything.

And I’m really not talking about having feelings for him...I mean just simply living in the same circles as the man. He’s a rock in every sense of the word...steady and sedentary. He doesn’t move if he doesn’t have to, and he does it with a strange sort of grace. He’s grounded...he stays and faces whatever his world has to offer, and he does it with a strength of character I really admire.

He’s grounded, but not rooted. He’ll be absolutely steady for the longest time...then something will send him off like a shot. In his head, or in a very literal sense, he’ll take off so hard and so fast no one can catch him. He can run further than I’ve ever dreamed of, and he can do it in a heartbeat. Instead of a rock, he’s a boulder careening downhill at top speed.

It’s in those moments that I find myself taking off after him...not running to escape, but running to chase him down. He’s the anchor...the rock, the center of everything, even when he’s moving at full speed.

And I don’t know when I got tethered to him...but that bond has made the hard things I face every day that much easier to get through.

Muse: Kate Austen
Fandom: LOST
Words: 407

Just me and the speck, shootin' the breeze. We're a club. We're a group. We can be a secret society. And no one else can join, unless they wear funny hats.

She didn’t know when they became a couple, even if they were apart...but one day it was just the two of them, no matter where they were.

It might have happened at the trial...his dear and solemn countenance proclaiming to the world that she was the hero, the island savior. Breaking her heart and his own in one final attempt to fix what was broken...make things, make her right again.

Further back, it could have been the rescue...when she’d been locked to his side on the chopper and later the freighter, when all that had kept her standing in the face of news cameras and shouted questions was that strong, familiar arm around her shoulders...keeping mother and child away from the onslaught of relentless reporters when he could hardly bear to do so.

The island was the most obvious place...left with nowhere to run, he became her last safe refuge. Being with Jack was like running free through a field. It was open and massive and the one place where she could run to and never stop going...never stop moving.

Even further back, Kate had to wonder if they hadn’t been together from the beginning...born as interlocking puzzle pieces that merely found their way to the right places on the table. Even when they weren’t together, they were perfectly matched...somehow, the world was always in balance because he was the man who put things back together, and she was the woman who inherently always brought about the events that would tear everything apart.

They fit...they were. It was an oddly zen state to be in, but one Kate could find peace in for now.

He’d helped her fix something inside of her, even at the cost of breaking something inside himself...and still they found a place to fit each other when they were apart.

They would always be a couple...even if they never saw each other again. No matter where they were...it was always going to be the two of them.

Together.

Muse: Kate Austen
Fandom: LOST
Words: 346

Back in the real world, you’ll probably learn the most about me at the local post office...height, weight, eye color, aliases...rap sheet. I mean, knowing Edward, he probably made sure that the wanted posters stayed in relatively heavy circulation.

Yeah...I’ve had some trouble with the law. But I suppose that’s ultimately an understatement.

My name is Kate Austen...by now, you’ve probably heard about me on the news. I was one of the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815...The Risen Dead, I think the media was calling us for a while. Anyway, I’m back here...in the real world.

I ran for a long time...I did a lot of things I’m not proud of. And right now...I honestly have no idea what’s going to happen to me. There’s been some talk about pleading out the charges against me...a reduced or commuted sentence, but I’m not holding my breath.

I’ve seen things...done things...above and beyond the crimes I’ve committed, the things that happened to me on the island we were stranded on changed me. Who I am, what I’m about...the relationships I formed...

The authorities say I’m dangerous. I think I still am...but I’ve never been a bad person. And I can’t deny...after running for so long, it’s gotten into my blood. It’s who I am.

But after what happened to me on the island...I’m not sure where the hell I’m running anymore.

Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of.

If you think about it? That really is a strange word...safe. Safety. What does the word mean when you think about it? You probably think about a person or a place...maybe a thing that makes you feel secure. There’s warmth in a loved one’s arms, familiarity in the fleecy softness of a comfortable blanket, a refuge to be found in your childhood home.

Now...kill the owner of those arms. Tear down that house. Shred that blanket. Where’s your safe haven now? Where’s your comfort?

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that nothing is safe...there’s no recourse that can ever last, no sanctuary in anything that you can touch. Real safety, true safety...it’s a pipe dream. It can never really happen, because the surety, the solidarity that anything safe brings to you is always vulnerable. It can be taken away in the span of a heartbeat...as quick as a breath, you’re left with nowhere to go.

No other choice but to run.

Looked at one way, you could say that safety doesn’t actually exist at all. Only...I don’t think it’s true. Granted, I don’t look for safety anywhere given my situation...I know I won’t find any. But I do have things that make me feel safe...one thing really.

I’m safe in the knowledge that I’m here...that I’m standing. And that I’ve left something of myself in the world.

[private]

I’m safe because I’ve been seen...because I know that no matter where I go or what I do, I’ve been touched by something that has made me better.

I’m safe because been touched by something good...because Jack loves me.

And I love him.

[/private]

Muse: Kate Austen
Fandom: LOST
Words: 285

Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

She regretted everything and nothing.

Kate’s whole life was nothing but lies, half truths, and transitions...moments between the events that should have counted for something, should have mattered in any other person’s existence. Then again, she’d always had a talent for slipping through the impossible spaces of the world...

With her hands stained bright red with blood, and her body worn to the bones with the fatigue of running, she held on to little else but the regret...the knowledge that somewhere, on some level, she still cared enough to be sorry for her sins. She still felt pain, she could still feel guilt...heart and soul, she wasn’t completely dead inside. Not yet, anyway.

Survival was priority number one...regret and remorse were the two only luxuries she allowed herself.

Until she kissed him.

It continued afterwards...ducking and dodging to find those safe harbors in motion. One moment to the next, even on the island she was always on the run. She told the half-truths...she told the lies.

It was the lies by the fire that she regretted now...the lies about missing his arms and his taste.

“I’m sorry I kissed you.”

“I’m not.”

And as long as she lived, Kate knew she would never be sorry again.

Muse: Kate Austen
Fandom: LOST
Words: 217

TO: Aldo West (fish40@gmail.com)
FROM: Monica Callis (freckles77@gmail.com)

Subject: COMPANY business

Michael,

It’s Kate. I know I’m probably the last person you want to be hearing from right now, but I had to get in touch with you...and this was easier than trying to call. I won’t pretend that I’m not a coward, because it’s probably one of only a few truths I can actually admit to myself. I just hope this email reaches you in time.

A guy found me in Iowa today. At first, I thought it was one of the Marshall’s men so I was ready to run...but he caught up to me and he said things...

It’s the men who framed Linc. They found me, Michael. They know who I am, and they know what I am to both of you. And I don’t know how, but they found me. I didn’t tell them anything...nailed the guy with a low blow and ran. But wherever you guys are, get out. Fast. Just go someplace else, okay?

Also...will you give the attached note to Linc for me? Please.

I’ll be in touch...stay safe. And thanks.

* * * * *

Linc,

I have to tell you a secret...and I have to lie to you. But know that I’m telling you this lie, hoping that maybe someday I can believe my own lies...make them real.

The secret is that I miss you. Every day , I think about you...I dream about you at night. And yes, some of those dreams are dirty. You’re a hard man to forget or let go of that way. But I miss you...so much it hurts. And that makes me doubt...if I ever should have left, if I should have let myself have that first night with you, knowing what I do now...knowing how you make me feel.

That’s my biggest secret, I guess...you make me doubt that instinct: fight or flight. You make me want to fight for...whatever we are.

Now the lie is coming, but first...the truth.

I *will* see you again.

And here’s the lie: when I come back, I promise I’ll never leave you again.

Take care of that plane for me.

-Kate

Muse: Kate Austen
Fandom: LOST
Words: 374

“Are you ever satisfied?”

The voice that rang in her ears as she stood in the middle of the graveyard was high and laughing, not yet touched with the depth of age or the lower registers of manhood. It was a voice that had always been safety and comfort...light where there had only been darkness.

Now darkness was all he knew.

Stepping forward, Kate knelt before Tom’s grave and laid her small armful of lilies against his tombstone. She hadn’t been to his funeral, and hadn’t come back to his grave since the day he died. Now she was here, six days after leaving Lincoln a second time...and she wasn’t sure why she was doing this.

She only knew that she missed Tom, and that she missed Lincoln. She ached for him, a constant hollow throb in her chest that wouldn’t go away. She couldn’t drink it away, screw it away, or push it away...running didn’t work, not unless she was running into his arms.

Tom had always been her voice of reason...her conscience, her calm when she had none to draw from. He’d been the first boy she ever loved, and a part of her past that she could call ‘good’ when she needed something good to look back on. He challenged her to be better...pushed her to be happy, and succeeded.

Reaching out, she traced her fingers over his name, carved into the pale marble of his headstone.

Maybe the voices of the dead were speaking to her...that or her own subconscious. Still...she only had one answer, and no matter who asked the question, she couldn’t bring herself to face the truth. Except for here.

“I am now, Tom.” she murmured in the unnaturally still air of the cemetery, drawing in a shaky sigh as she swallowed past a lump in her throat. “And that’s what scares me.”

Muse: Kate Austen
Fandom: LOST
Words: 319